3am

Ugh awake again.
Friday was a tough day, saw my oncologist and visited the chemo ward . For the first time palliative care appeared in written form,god I hate that word . Got told off for not taking the laxatives - much talk of overflow and I feel like my bowels are a broken toilet . Soo less thinking and more just taking the cocktails of drugs coming at me. No idea how people work during treatment as blood tests, line flushes, oncologist and chemo as been lots of hospital trips.
We brought Ryan’s birthday sleepover forward as I wasn’t sure how I would feel after chemo . Maudlin thoughts of would I see another of his birthdays  .. as Alison says it’s ok to go there ( to THAT place) but you are not unpacking so mental shake and back on the horse we go. The kids are being really careful around my PICC line, it’s still very tender but healing . Flu jab today as oncologist said best squeeze it in before chemo ( surgeon had said no). The low residue diet is taking some getting used to but worth it if we can keep obstruction at bay .
Chris has done a spreadsheet of symptoms and meds and their side effects 🙈 in quite a lot of pain but I understand even from the first treatment the chemo will help reduce that
Time to try sleeping again , was in bed for 9 as I get so tired now

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PICC or George Weasley

I had my PICC line put in today. I was really nervous and said to the surgeon I've had 2 babies this should be a breeze. Her reply was I had chosen the babies and had no choice in this which makes a big difference. The surgical team were fab, kept me talking so I was amazed when she said it was all done! It's sore tonight like any cut/wound but at least it means no more canulas . Ju has ordered me some pretty covers - hospital just put a tubigrip over the dressing and they always look grim. No swimming due to infection risk and I have to wear a cover over it in the shower
More difficult to deal with is the change in diet - many staple foods like veg are simply no go and things like onion crop up in everything. It sucks but if I can avoid blockages and inflammation it's worth it. The paracetamol and buscopan can cause constipation so yesterday and today I tried to manage on half the dose but the pain won out so back to the full monty. It seems insane to have so much pain compared to three months ago but Delores is aggressive and has spread so I guess it makes sense
Calling the PICC line George as he had a fundamental part in Umbridges downfall

Next stop in the oncologist Friday and chemo nurses to prepare for the first session. Worked out that the Panitumab alone is over 2 grand a dose , it specialises in advanced colon cancer and metastases. I hate that I now know what ascites are , the omentum... It's all so scary and the more we discover the worse the outcome looks BUT as I said to the oncologist I am not average and we are determined to give the bitch a good kicking even if a cure is so unlikely we can shrink her and stop her growing

It’s chemo time

Tomorrow I get my PICC line fitted ready to start chemo on the 2nd. Terrified but glad we are finally getting on with the treatment . Ryan’s worried his friends will laugh at me when my hair falls out but I think I’ve managed to reassure him that it’s nothing to worry about and I won’t be upset by it

Can’t sleep. The last 48 hours in particular have been so fucking horrendous , thank god for my parents , sister and friends for pulling me through it when I was on my own . Incredibly angry my husband and children were taken away from me when I needed them most .
I won’t be the one explaining in years to come when I’ve gone that mummy wasn’t in those photos ( which I don’t want to see )because she was ill in hospital with cancer . Think that’s awful? Welcome to my fucking world right now

Here again

in city hospital . On Wednesday I started being sick and had awful pain so we went to docs and they sent me to SUC who deal with oncology . An X-ray showed a borderline blockage so I was on nil by mouth to give my bowel a rest . Lots of morphine later yesterday lunchtime they decided it was most likely to be severe constipation and to try eating and drinking again. Lots of laxatives later and I did a poo this morning , hurray ! Also saw my oncologist and oncology nurse who were lovely.   Had a CT to see if def poo and not Dolores causing problems by making kinks in my bowels. If all is ok we can process with chemo in the next few weeks . They will put a PICC line in which saves doing a canula each time . They are starting with a mix of irinotecan, panitumumab and 5 fluoluracil. Unfortunately the average prognosis even with chemo is 12-18 months but I’m not average.
I’ve got to stay in for the weekend so they can keep an eye on me. As long as the pain is under control and I’m not sick they are good signs  . I’ve got a special diet to follow that’s easily digestible so have a list of things I can’t eat that are hard to digest - unfortunately it includes many of my favourite veg . On the plus side I can eat cake !

So the letter came from Basingstoke today and it's  there in black and white . Planning Ryan's birthday and part of me is wondering if this is the last of my babies birthdays I will be here for
I've got an appointment on Friday with oncology to get chemo in place so big girl pants on and try to push the nasty thoughts away. That bitch Delores is all over my abdomen so we need to find a way to get rid